I was working with a wonderful client, a therapist, whom I had not seen in awhile and as we were getting caught up she asked me “where does the strength come from?” She repeated the question as I shared some recent life experiences. I didn’t exactly answer her. It took me a couple of days to process her inquiry and be able to answer the question with clarity. The short answer is strength comes from weathering all the storms through the years, many of them in quick succession these past seven years. She also asked about the boundaries I’ve been able to set and hold, where does that strength come from?
It comes from a life of being an observer, an intellect, an introvert. From turning the microscope on myself attempting to understand my behavior so I can understand others. It comes from decades of mind-body practice: meditation (long silent retreats) as well as the willingness to see things as they are, even when that is painful. A self trust developed when I didn’t have anyone else I felt I could trust. Strength comes form listening to “the knowing” (wisdom, intuition). From slowing down and getting quiet regularly to feel my humanness. It comes from the “oversharing” way I find connection with others, especially strangers. I’m a student of life and have been privileged to be present to experience death’s sacred transition both in my work and in my personal life. I’ve toiled to learn to see light in the darkness. I’ve stretched my bravery and resilience muscles, dispelling feel over and over until fear has lost a grip on my being.
The strength comes from me. It comes from being willing to walk the very steep, winding and often treacherous path of self development and growth knowing that is what I am here in this life to do. I am here to grow my compassion so I can benefit others and walk along with them on part of their journey. The strength is sometimes quiet, calm and at other times fire- sparks flying, especially in the face of injustice. Being present no matter what, to feel fully. There is whole toolbox I can access and a space of fortitude I have built within myself. Its’ walls are porous, the safe space breathes, contracts and expands. The path to return to that space is well lit and well worn. It has a sunroof that opens to the sacred.
Connection with nature, human connection, my work to relieve suffering, and the lessons I learn from my family- my sons in particular, nourish the strength. The strength comes from having the courage to speak up for what is right, even when it is inconvenient, discouraged or unpopular. Courage fuels the strength, especially the courage to be disliked. Living with intention, in a way that is consistent with my values creates a vibrant “Yes!” and is an indicator that I am true to my course and am making the best decision in the moment. Learning what is important and what is unimportant from the lessons of many types of loss. Strength arises after feeling weak and vulnerable first, knowing light after living darkness. The strength is patient and tenacious, moving me forward into the unknown with grace. Life is a marathon; its’ overarching lessons and themes unfold slowly. I’ve learned to slow down and gentle it up. Soft is the new strong! The strength comes from me.